12. Hardest you ever legitimately studied
So I suck at studying. I just… can’t do it. I guess the hardest have been the past few physics tests. I might be taking reg, but I have completely shut down in that class. So when it’s tests that are about stuff I’ve never even heard of, I’ll study. I’ll do the little sample test he gave us, and yeah.
It’s not much. HAHA. I mean, it’s reg, and you get an equation sheet. And blah.
It’s that class or bio. Bio I actually had to read because of his damn reading quizzes. Like, ugh.
Studying is a big wash. I will open my books, have my notes out, tell you that I’m studying, but I’m really not. If I’m not lollygagging on the computer, I’m sleeping.
How do you guys just read it and study it all? D: I only have enough patience to do the homework. If the reading was homework, I’d do the reading. If I was reading to study, LOL. ALKFJA I’d rather sleep!
I think if we were given no homework, I would actually study. That’s just a thought.
Breathe.
Only a handful really understand how important this word is to me.
It’s been floating around all my life.
Breathe, guys, just breathe.
Milk and cereal milk and cereal, cereal and milk!
YUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
SOYMILK IS EVEN BETTER!
WOOP WOOP.
I need to even out my tan before prom.
My left arm is darker than my right arm.
I tan as I drive home from school.
I also have a shorts tan line on my lap for the same reason.
It’s too hard to keep up with music.
New songs are released so quickly! But they get old fast. Like I don’t want to listen to them anymore because they get old.
I like that alternative stuff I listen to. Yeah. Yeah. That stuff never gets old.
I like those songs that seep into my brain as an underlying thought. The ones that I barely even notice the first time around, but like a good wine, grow better with age. They’re the songs that I sort of get, sort of like, but one day I’ll listen to them again and suddenly they’ll be the best songs I’ll ever listen to in my life.
Yeah.
Everyone has their form of escape, and music is mine. I’ll leave it to books and motion pictures to challenge my brain. For me, music is there for that relatability factor. Those songs that are suddenly so wonderful are because they define my emotions without me having to pick the words. I can close my eyes and listen knowing that someone else out there knows exactly what I’m feeling.
Phew.
Negligible phrases.
Can you say that? Call a phrase negligible? I guess it’s more insignificant. But it’s funny how something people say things that only sound insignificant. On the contrary, sometimes those little phrases open up weird little gateways that lead to greater things. I guess you can’t really call them insignificant.
I don’t just mean hateful, hurtful words. But sometimes, they’re just mind jumpers. Zap some cells around until you have multiple views and then it’s all clear but not clear at all. You know, when you’re dead certain about something and suddenly someone makes you see it a different way and you’re suddenly clear, so clear about what it is you’re thinking but all of a sudden you don’t really know what’s right. Right? Wrong? Right. Huh.
It happens to me more often than I realize. Not until I think about it, think about why my mind made a brief pause when something particular was said. Sometimes I don’t notice it, I guess. I’m pretty sure I take a mental breath but suddenly scan over it, but recently. Recently. Recently I’ve been having a lot more of those moments. Is it because I’m noticing them or are they just popping up more often, you know?
Sometimes these, what shall I call them, these insignificant yet oh so very significant phrases truly are insignificant in scope. Like when I’m just being daft. When I think that something is going to be great, so truly and utterly awesome, that when suddenly someone tells me the opposite, when they give a point that to others it really isn’t that great, I take a step back. Not literally, but you know what I mean. That viewpoint doesn’t change the way I see it, it doesn’t make it any less exciting, but surely it does make me realize that there are other ways to look at it. See? It’s insignificant to my view, but I guess it’s significant to my well being as a well rounded person. Hm, who said it was necessary to be well rounded. Sigh, that’s another mental vomit I’ll make sometime in the future.
Well, you know, other times, these moments are very significant. They make me change my personal views, values, etc. They rewrite who I am. They make me realize that maybe it’s time I change. They make me realize that my sense of being is a bit out dated. They make me realize things about my character that I didn’t really get a firm grasp of before hand. Let’s take the subject of closure for example. I normally don’t seek closure. I prefer to move on, making me shut my brain off when people say they need closure. I think why is it necessary. Therefore I don’t really register this phrase until someone keeps tapping me with it. I’ve been getting a lot of people that want closure, look for it in an almost tangible mean. They require for there to be verbal, personal contact. However, having always been one that has just simply moved on. I’ve been thinking that it’s silly to always require a sense of closure, closing, whatever. Why can’t you just forgive and forget and move on and not care. What was wrong with not caring in this life that really doesn’t matter in the end. Well, unless you’re religious. Then, blimey, I guess you have a life after this, I’m just damned whatever way I look at it. Anyway, this lack of closure. Is it because I run away from issues? Is it really better that way? Is it because of something that I have actually closed to give closure that went horribly wrong and now I think that closure isn’t always the way to go. That sometimes things are better left wondering the would haves, the could haves, the possibilities. Possibilities allow a bit of light, a little glimmer of hope. Even if it is false hope, it can give something. At the same time, this same source of hope drives people to insanity, madness, never to return to the light. It is worse than closure. Who, then, whose responsibility is it to say that closure is good, closure is bad. Who gets to play a godlike figure here? Hm. It’s certainly not me. I make mistakes. It’s certainly not you, either. But to me, in my mind, resorting to a form of Upper Being shows lack of responsibility for one’s own actions. But this responsibility is great, don’t you know. Yet, nothing can help in making what should be the right decision. It comes to a point where you act on blind intuition and logical guessing because it has to make sense of some sort. There is a right and there is a wrong but there is really no way of knowing which way leads to what is deemed right. But there. See. Those moments. They’re significant because they question me. They might make me a better person, or they might make me worse, but nevertheless they form. They sculpt. These moments are forever etched in my mental make up. I’m still left wondering as to when closure is appropriate and what is not.
Everything leads to balance. Balance. Balance. Balance.
#179. The View from my House
I’m from West Covina, born and raised. When I was five I moved into the house I live in now. It’s on a hill, and from our backyard we can see the buildings in LA. For quite awhile, they felt insignificant. They were just part of the view. But as I grew older, I came to appreciate them more.
A few years ago, I realized that if I brought out a telescope I could probably see the windows, you know? Because we have one of those telescopes that we can use to see the moon, lol. Then I wondered if I could see my house from those buildings. I have to try it one day.
Driving out today, I had a weird thought. As I descended the hill I thought “wow, in about 40 minutes I’ll be driving right past those buildings I see in the distance.” And as I finally drove past, I don’t know, the feeling was beautiful. One day, maybe my parents will look out at LA and wonder what I’m doing, away but not really that far from home. Looking out and wondering what their daughter is doing all the way out there.
Meep. Silly ramblings.
